We Know More About Sex Than Ever.So Why Are We Still So Bad at Understanding Our Own Sexuality?

We have probably never had this much information about sex.

Pornography is available instantly.

Social media is full of relationship advice, sex educators, therapists, influencers, podcasts, techniques, diagnoses, red flags and lists explaining what supposedly makes somebody a good lover.

We can learn almost anything.

And yet there is a strange question worth asking:

How much do we actually know about our own sexuality?

Not sex in general.

Ours.

Information is not the same thing as understanding

Knowing what an orgasm is does not necessarily mean knowing what helps you experience one.

Knowing that communication is important does not automatically make it easy to tell a partner what you want.

Knowing hundreds of sexual possibilities does not tell you which ones genuinely interest you.

And being surrounded by sexual imagery certainly does not guarantee that you feel comfortable in your own body.

Researchers increasingly use the term sexual health literacy to describe our ability to find, understand and actually use information relating to sexual health.

A 2025 systematic review found that even the tools we currently use to measure sexual health literacy are incomplete — an interesting indication of how much more complicated sexual wellbeing is than simply knowing the biological facts.

We can be highly informed and still remarkably unfamiliar with ourselves.

We are constantly being shown what sexuality looks like

Modern sexuality does not develop in isolation.

We absorb ideas about bodies, desirability, masculinity, femininity, performance, frequency, pleasure and relationships from everywhere around us.

Pornography is one obvious example.

It would be simplistic to claim that pornography is universally harmful. Research shows that people can use it for curiosity, exploration and sexual information as well as entertainment.

But pornography is still a representation of sex — not an instruction manual.

Research into porn literacy has highlighted issues such as unrealistic sexual standards, body comparison and the need to distinguish entertainment from useful sexual information.

A recent Swedish study similarly found both positive and negative perceived influences of pornography: participants described sexual discovery, but also unrealistic expectations around intimacy, bodies, gender roles and sexual behaviour.

The problem therefore isn't necessarily that we see too much sexuality.

Perhaps it is that we spend so much time looking outward that we become less practised at looking inward.

What do you actually like?

It sounds like an almost ridiculously simple question.

But try answering it without using the expectations of a partner, previous experiences or ideas about what you shouldenjoy.

What kind of touch do you like?

What creates desire for you?

What removes it?

How does arousal actually feel in your body?

What happens when you slow down?

What are you curious about?

What do you tolerate without particularly enjoying?

Where is the boundary between wanting something and wanting to be someone who wants it?

Those questions are considerably more interesting than asking whether somebody has a “normal sex drive.”

And they are also harder.

Sexuality changes

Anna Graf describes sexuality as something capable of developing and changing throughout our lives.

That is central to the Sexocorporel approach she uses in sexual therapy: body, perception, movement, thoughts and feelings all contribute to sexual experience.

The goal is therefore not to uncover one hidden, permanent version of your “true sexuality.”

It is to understand how your sexuality works now — and recognise that it can evolve.

That matters because sexuality inevitably encounters life.

Relationships become familiar.

Bodies age.

Children arrive.

Illness happens.

Medication changes.

Stress increases.

Relationships end.

New ones begin.

Our bodies change and our identities change with them.

Expecting sexuality to remain untouched by all of this would be rather extraordinary.

Sexual difficulty is hardly unusual

There is also a reason this conversation matters beyond curiosity.

A population study of Swedish adults aged 19–40 found that 53% of women and 31% of men reported at least one measured sexual dysfunction. Low sexual interest was the most common issue among women, while low satisfaction with one's sex life was the most common among men.

Those numbers should not be interpreted as evidence that half of Sweden needs treatment.

They suggest something more interesting:

sexuality is complicated for a lot of people.

Yet we often interpret difficulties privately.

Something must be wrong with my body.

My relationship.

My libido.

My ability to have sex correctly.

When perhaps the more useful response is curiosity.

From performance to perception

This is also where I see an unexpected connection with my own work at Lobelia Heal.

Manual healthcare requires attention.

What happens when you move this way?

Where does something become uncomfortable?

What changes when you breathe differently?

Can you distinguish tension from relaxation?

The practitioner may provide input, but ultimately much of the useful information comes from what the person can perceive.

Sexuality is obviously a completely different context.

But the underlying skill is surprisingly similar:

being able to notice yourself.

Sexual therapy creates a structured space to explore precisely that — alongside desire, communication, intimacy, boundaries, relationships and sexual function.

Not because everyone has a sexual problem.

But because understanding your sexuality can be worthwhile before something needs to be called a problem at all.

Maybe we don't need more sexual information

The World Health Organization considers sexual wellbeing part of health throughout life and emphasises pleasure, safety, respect and access to good-quality information about sexuality.

Information matters.

But perhaps the next step is learning what to do with it.

To separate expectation from preference.

Performance from pleasure.

Possibility from obligation.

What looks exciting from what actually feels exciting.

And what everybody else appears to be doing from what you actually want.

We already have an enormous amount of information about sex.

Maybe what we need now is a little more curiosity about ourselves.

Curious about your own sexuality?

You do not need to wait until something is “wrong” to explore sexuality.

Anna Graf — Sexual Therapy & Counseling, Zürich works with individuals and couples around desire, intimacy, relationships, body perception, sexual difficulties and sexual curiosity.